- past 06 future 07 - Tuesday, January 02, 2007

As I begin this blog, I dread what the outcome will be for the fact that this is me we're talking about here and my life blows. Last year had some good points. But 2006 was the very first yearr of my life that I felt lost, miserable, hated and depresseed. There have been things that could have fixed me and those things never came. At work I was cheery up until maybe November. At home things got pretty sad and down. My friends have all begun to hate me in the year 2006. I feel helpless. And i thought the other day, how much better will 2007 really be? So ever since kindergarten I knew 2007 would be significcant for my graduation, but not that it would hold other horrifying events. I hat being the bearer of bad news. I hate negativity. But i do think i am clinically depressed. You ca't avoid facts like that and just expect to cheer up and see everything as sunny and bright. My mom was diagnosed with cancer on Valentines Day, 2006. Two days later, her birthday she told her family about it. My birthday 11 days later didn't even matter. So August came and they told her she was given 6 months to live, possibly to 9 if she was lucky. Well if you do the math, she is expected to leave me forever the same month of both of our birthdays. This is actuallyt he first time in a while i have actually sat down and talked/written/and or thought about it all. I have avoided it all. I shut out the pain and suffering. Yeah i cry more than I ever have but its usually about my social life, guys or my failure as a person. I am terrible in this world. I have no idea what I'm doing. Idon't know how to tlk, live have fun, laugh or be motivated to do anything./ I have no idea what i want. 2006 was filled with a lot of bad behavior. I hung out with a 26 year old in the majority of my time. November 2005 we started havin g poker at my house on Saturday nights. So Feb 06 came and I started falling for Jeff. then in April we hooked up and started hanging out. Until November we hung out like 2 or 3 times a week and we worked together. We both got a cloe connection and liked each other a lot. But As of 3 weeks ago I ended it and now he avoids me like everytime I speak, Im really not speaking at all. he hates me or something, so now i hate myself. But beyond that, I hung out with Catie a lot, got closer to lauren and whatever same old same old like every year.
2007. my new Years Resolution is to never tell another secret again, never tell any important secrets. I am keeping my mouth shut. I am keeping my promise to that. I have lot a lot of trustees because I blab. So I fell terrible and that part of me is gone. I wish I was happy, I wish my life wasnt constantly growing more difficult. I have no one to help me. I cant do this on my own. I am petrified of the enxt year. I don't know if i wwill get into college, I dont kow if my dad will ever take me driving and put me on the insurance. Who knows if i will get a better job in hamburg like i wish and i plan. People will probably all disstance theemselves from me. I g2g tims up

- OLD FRIENDS .. lost loves... - Wednesday, December 13, 2006

theres this person i love, im truly close to them as a friend.. i dont know if they feel the same way, but yesterday this persons aunt died. in the beginning of the school year me and this perosn had a phone convo about their aunt... i was deeply moved, actually 2 days ago i was thikning of calling this friend just to recatch up because i adore them so much.. this perosns best friend is also my best friend.. but me and this perosn are not best friend... anyway the point im trying to get at is that.. sarah kayleigh autumn anyone else, im sorry we arent close anyymore.. but autumn i wanna know bout alicia april and ur parents and how they are treating you and your relationship with kenny and why ur sad sometimes and why ur happy... ur awesome and poetic and i miss you. kayleigh im interested about derrke and your brother and i wanna catch up before u leave for college far away... i wanna talk bout music and life and just hacve fun, uve always been my all around cool friend. ive talked to u about many tpics many times... whered it go. and sarah hollander, the crazy dressed, the nique personality, the best individual.. the awesome brodway girl... the dinosaur love and the newspaper clippings, u have so much to offer, why cant u give it to me??? I miss rachel and wish we would talk... I want no hostility with any of you. i want to lvoe everyone, i want to tlak to u all, open up to u guys, be there be your shoulder to cry on I lvoe u guys. I love lauren and ed and jessy and sarah b and nikki melissa and everyone i tlak to. yalls mean a ton to me :) i mean it.

- NEW LIGHT AND NEW LIFE - Monday, December 11, 2006

I would most definitly become an organ donor. I have a bad left eye. It is terrible actually, there is no reason even to have my left eye it is so useless. Also, I have had kindey problems all of my life.. They could truly fail at any time. To be an organ donor could save lives. I really do want to get my name put on the list. I will fill out the forms or papers. Its not a long process. I will be dead anyway... My mom has cancer, her organs cant be helped, but for other people... my body could save a life.
Yesterday I read an article about a cheektowaga lady that was legally blind for her whole 65 years of living, then suddenly she had an organ donor give her new corneas and now she can see. Its a new light in her life literally and in a matter of speaking. She enjoys nature and seeing her family. It is the most important thing to her now to see the life around her. The story was very touching. i was at work yesterday putting together the ssunday papers and i glimpsed through the article and nows its a coincadence i'm forced to write about it/ But I don't mind, because people should know that miracles like this are possible just by checking ORGAN DONOR on the back of your license. ....
You know there are so many ncie things people can do for others. Rachel Scott was shot in Columbine Hs YEARS ago, now, there are people going across the country spreading her word, comparing her to Anne Frank and saying she is one of the most wonderful people to live in thos world. Everyday she did acts of kindness that left deep loving impacts on the world.. I know this is off topic, but my computer wasn't letting me find any articles. So this is me saying that anything can be defined as helping a life, saving a life, hurting or sabotaging a life. Choose your actions carefully, you never know who you will effect.
Yesterday Jess Golabek told me to try harder with my old friends, so i talked to Kayleigh today then the next classs period I was told she was calling me scrubby. I asked Melissa Gertsch yesterday to hang out, she also called me scrubby. These people make fun of me based on lies and rumors and non truths that are not me. its crap. I never talk bad about them, yet they never stop bashing me.

- terrore - Monday, December 04, 2006

everything. it really is everything thats bringing me down. Im miserable. Its not the omg pay attention to me i have something to say miserable.. I am full blown helplessly depressingly super upset down so low about everything. yesterday thinking about winter coming and getting to work on time the days i work at 1pm.. and the fact that my dad still wont let me drive, the fact my mom can sit ther and talk to my sis for hours then never even ask me about my day... how my psychology and sociology projects seem so impossible, difficult and hard to succeed at... how my college classes are more than a struggle to me.. how i really feel like a nobody to everybody. Ok so last week a normal week.. i spent much of my time doinh ssmall talk and complimenting those i think looked good or just trying to talk to people and ask them how they were. It was disappointing as usual as I failed to get any positive responses, good conversations or nice attention back. I try to talk to my old friends and i am more than excluded. People may deny the fact that they ignore me or dont pay attention to me or dont care about me cuz deep down theey want to think they do, but they really dont. Im nit thre anymore, im never included or noticed. its the facts, ive dealt with it since last school year. ive accepted it.. its just that ir brings me down and hurts that the fact i reach out to them all the time and they never ever ever give me the time of day. i am hurting and im finally accepting it that my life does suck/. I am doing an ok job actually letting go of jeff. He is declining in my brain. hes decreasing in my heart, but as i choose to give up and move on, theres this huge empty space, a void a hole that no one can fill for me. Things with my mom will never get better. I can never go back to the time where we could have communicated more. I want our love back i want ehr and i cant have her. I wanted jeff so much but reality is hitting me that I have to let go before the inevitable happens. I wish I had meant something to him but i didnt. So as I try to regain something with my dear mother and I fail, I feel as if Im losing direction, control and joy in my life. I couldnt even laugh in study hall todAy. i was around 3 of my greatest friends as they all laughed but i was just so down that there was no happiness in that class. Today as I surprisingly stayed quiet, still, silent and unmoving today in classes, i was ignored more than usual, but it was better than being dised and shot down. im sick of hearing ow often my old friends talk shit about me constantly. i never did anything for any of these people t hate me. so why cant they leave me alone. Ive ignored the fact that i do have way more problems than the average teen... so please why doesnt anyone ever want to help or care or talk

- Jims amazing BLOG - Wednesday, November 29, 2006

JIM WHEATS Blog FRom NOV 8th of course, a free write I guess.. this is amazing.. everyone if you are on my site.. take the time to read this!
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
"I dislike blogging. i undrstand this is not just a school program so thare are probobly a great many people who do this in thare spare time. i have better things to do in my spare time but i do want to pass this english class. im not one of those kids who spends all of thare time on my spase or what ever els kids do on the internet. i hate the internet. im not good at it and i hate that every thing revolvs around it. i wish we could just write in journals or something. i realy dont like the idea of brodcastind my thoughts and ideas all over the internet. not that any one is reading my thoughts and ideas, not one person has signed on to my blog yet. i dont care though its for the best any way. i dont like all this new tecknology. i suppose we progressing but i dont like it. i dont like how you can go on the internet and find any thing out about any one. or how you need idenifacation for everything. back in the day if someone talked shit to you you could shoot them in the face and ride your horse to the next town over and become the mayor because nobody ever heard of you. im not saying i want to shoot someone in the face. back inthe day though they would have dules. people settled there own disputes. no own went to jail for just fighting some one. now days every one is so quick to call the cops for every little thing. and the cops are more than happy to come as soon as you call cause they have nothing els to do. go solve a crime all these cowboy cops in small towns are just out to save the world one ten bag at a time. leave me alone, im not raping any one robbing any one or killing any one what i smoke dosnt concern you. 11 billon dollors was spent on the drug war last year and the only reson thare pist is cause they dont have any control over it. thare never gonna win what the hell do you care what i do to my body. and i love it when a judge or a teacher or a proby oficer will say thare just trying to help. take it from some one who has been "helped" it dosnt help. so i dont know what im getting at as i read this over i relize thare is no controling idea. but i do hate tecknology, 100 years ago if you would have told me to pee in your cup i would have shot you in the face and rode my horse 20 miles out and became the mayor, or the judge, and if i was the judge i would wear my robe every were."

This is his etire entry from the day. There was an assignment to pick an exceerpt from a classmattes blog and respond to it.. well his entire post was amazing. there were certain parts that were greeat, but overall it was just perfection, besides his spelling! lol. WOW. I have talked to jim before and he is very deep, smart and intellectual. Some would look at jim and even by his voice or his eyes you would think hes some big stoner, but there is way more to him that the outside crap. Jim is so intellegent, insightful and brilliant. he really thinks about life. Technology is gay. I prefer using my handwriting in a lined paper journal to express my thoughts. Jim is right about how much the world has changed, how we know so much and theres no mystery anymore. The interent makes so much way too easy, yet it can crash at any time. I hate relying on any type of technology for everything. We lose connections with people by focusing on internet chat. We lose intellectual drive by letting computers and machines do the easiest tasks for us. Weve become so lazy and unconnected to everyone. We have too much space. I wish I owuld have read jims log sooner.. I read a lot of blogs before i got to his.. and his was jsut the best. i wish more people would notice me and they dont... people should take the time!

- GREAT life POEM - Sunday, November 19, 2006

As a warrior
© By David Kweun

I am a warrior who holds the key to my path
For it is I to choose left or right
I can clear the hindrances and obstacles
With the right belief and strength
For such warrior, there is no fear, and no holding back. I know as a warrior, I do not give up, but go to the path I chose. Right or wrong. For I have a purpose.
For that reason I live.
Battles I face each day of my life.
I have more losses than wins
But as a warrior in life I know that
The only way to success and salvation
Is failure. For I now know, to beat the enemy. I must endure and be in defeat
As a warrior, there is no success at all times. For at defeat of my enemies I then hold advantage. I have suffered, and endured defeat. For this time I will not make the same mistakes, and stand back up against them all. As a warrior I desire more to fail. So I'll be able to see my wrong and learn tactics to defeat my enemies. For I know failure is not the end, but delineates the area I have lacked in my battles. For I am a true warrior!

- VIETNAM WW2 Slaughter hosuse 5 - Monday, November 13, 2006

In the novel, Slaughter House-Five, war is discuused not just as something greusum but as something pointless and the same. To die in war is the same as dying by a heart atack or by dying in a car crash. This novel does not agree that Vietnam was any extra worse than any other war. By the public, Vietnam is known as the worst, harshest and most meaningless war. IN this novel, it is the same. There is no difference in war. Dieng is the same with everyone. Not one person gets extra recognition. The man that was discussed in the novel on page 135 that randomly was shot in Vietnam was no more im,portant than the men fighting for their lives in WW2. Supposidly WW2 was so glorious and important but in this novel, it didn't matter.

ASHLEY LAURA

Nature, exhiliration, horror movies, meeting new people, writing, reading, peoms, music, poker, relationships, spontaneosuness, swimming!

LOVIN LIFE

Who are you if you don't live your own life? How can you be interesting if you act like someone else? I love originality. I care for everyone, I would help out those who have previously spit in my face. I love for fun and enjoy depth to life!

DREAMS

i wanna go skydiving, bungee jumping, mud bogging, parasailing, snowboarding, i wanna go to greece and austrailia, write a book, be a psychologist or a scuba diver

PREVIOUS POSTS

past 06 future 07
OLD FRIENDS .. lost loves...
NEW LIGHT AND NEW LIFE
terrore
Jims amazing BLOG
GREAT life POEM
VIETNAM WW2 Slaughter hosuse 5
Sadness coming at you like a tidal wave
Today is Halloween. This is known as a day for peo...
(extra ashley life)not to class


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